So, the Donald is assembling his team of advisors and cabinet members. All loyal supporters and kindred spirits. None likely to naysay their boss. A gush of ‘yes people’.
Of course, he’s not alone in disliking criticism and rejecting negative feedback (such as losing an election). It would seem to be a growing phenomenon, especially among young professionals. They, themselves are telling me in the training room that they struggle to accept constructive criticism; that it makes them emotional and overly defensive.
Team leaders, business owners and HR people are confirming that something is going on.
For any of us experiencing these issues, we’re fortunately entering the festive season – that magical time of year when relatives gather to celebrate. Plenty of opportunity here to practice receiving negative feedback for: the turkey being too dry, the sprouts too hard, the gravy too thin, the house too chilly and the Christmas tree just not being as good as last year. Families – don’t you love ‘em!
Meanwhile, there’s another, connected, issue – a fear of getting things ‘wrong’, especially in meetings. Some people worry they will be judged/called out for a stupid or incorrect comment; others fear causing unintended offence by accidentally saying something insensitive.
And this is closely linked to the highly damaging phenomenon of perfectionism – a desire to communicate out loud as fluently as we can in writing (lots of time to tweak and finesse). For some, in the early stage of their career, it also manifests in unrealistic expectations of their skills and expertise compared to others. I’ve worked with apprentices who beat themselves up that they don’t know as much as the MD – go figure!
Why is this becoming a thing?
I’m not entirely sure why and I’d love to hear your thoughts but I wonder if it’s a combination of factors.
- Is it about upbringing? After all, if in doubt, blame the parents. Poet Philip Larkin put it succinctly – “They f**k you up, your mum and dad”. Sorry, Lucy.
One popular parenting movement in the 1970s advocated that praise builds self-esteem and so a diet of positive affirmation was the order of the day.
But more recent research suggests that people lavished with praise become more cautious in their responses to questions, and less confident in their answers. Plus, the pressure to live up to their parents’ praise can lead to risk aversion and anxiety.
“It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure” Bill Gates
Apparently, the key is how we praise. Here’s what I’ve read, with particular reference to Carol Dweck (professor of psychology at Stanford University, renowned for her work on ‘growth mindset’). If we praise a young person for their (innate) intelligence, it’s harder for them to deal with failure because they will equate it with stupidity (which they believe they can’t change). If we praise instead for effort, they will have more interest in learning and more persistence because they will equate failure with a lack of effort (which they believe they can change).
At the heart of growth mindset is the power of one word. YET. I don’t know as much as the MD yet.
- Is it because the online world (in which these young people have grown up) operates in an atmosphere of hyper scrutiny and judgment?
Every day we see individuals publicly criticised and shamed. On a variety of platforms, people are quick to condemn, hasty to pile on and humiliate. There’s rarely nuance or listening; there’s often anger and shouting. Tolerance seems in short supply. Apologies are not accepted, even when genuine. One mistake can lead to cancellation and ostracization.
Is there simply less opportunity for young people to make normal adolescent mistakes which are then consigned to history and from which they recover and learn? Every single day I thank my lucky stars that there was no Instagram in my youth………….
“There’s room for role models who make mistakes” Taylor Swift
- Is it that the criticism is being delivered poorly – clumsily, without empathy, too harshly?
Why is it a problem?
If people aren’t speaking up in meetings, they’re missing chances to be visible and to demonstrate their expertise. As a result, their confidence will be eroded. Meanwhile their organisations are losing their valuable inputs. As Matthew Syed outlines in Rebel Ideas, diversity of thought, experience and perspective are extremely useful. It leads to better outcomes than ‘group speak’.
If we can’t deal with criticism, how will we grow? If we never experience discomfort, how will we learn to process it, benefit from it and move forwards stronger?
And when we have made a mistake, it can be liberating to admit fault, apologise (using the word sorry), give an explanation (not an excuse) and offer a remedy. For children, I call this technique ‘The Dog Ate My Prep’. Anger is often diffused by the ‘S’ word.
Research suggests that fear of making mistakes is a predictor of burnout.
What can we all do to help?
- At home and at work we can help them become more comfortable accepting responsibility for ‘wrongdoing’ and apologising for it, by doing so ourselves. I’m not sure we adults are always demonstrating best practice in this area.
- We can create an atmosphere in which it’s recognised that humans are fallible; that it’s OK to make mistakes; that it’s how we recover that matters.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work” Thomas A Edison, inventor of the light bulb (among other things).
- We can desensitise them to criticism/feedback by giving it regularly and by making it a learning opportunity for them. Plus, we can reassess how we praise and how we critique. In both, it’s important to comment on the behaviour/event/situation (factual) rather than on their personality. Do it with empathy and clarity and transparency and make it actionable. Praise/critique what they can control.
- And, we can take care not to create praise junkies. Carol Dweck hears from employers about those “who can’t get through the day without an award”.
Matthew Syed’s Black Box Thinking is about learning from failure; creating a culture of openness; looking at errors as opportunities to innovate and grow. He cites catastrophic outcomes in aviation and healthcare from not acknowledging and learning from mistakes.
“You make your mistakes to learn how to get to the good stuff” Quincy Jones (what an amazing person he was!!!!)
For most of us, a run of the mill mistake will be a poorly proof-read document or some miscalculated data. For the Red Arrows, the stakes are rather higher so their approach to feedback is particularly interesting. Their post-sortie debrief happens as soon as possible after every flight in an open forum where everyone speaks, honestly, with no hierarchy. The feedback is regular, prompt, actionable and factual. They’ve normalised it so that everyone gets back on the ground safely.
So, as the festive season approaches, and the arrival of the relatives looms, let’s try to remember that feedback is a learning opportunity. Let’s leave the sprouts boiling for an extra hour, whack up the heating and slosh some more gravy on the oh so dry turkey. And stick some more tinsel on the rubbish tree……..
Merry Christmas one and all.
